The Genius Randomness of Elan Part 1 = December 2011

Yes, this is a gallery about Elan Gale, Producer extraordinaire… I think this one Tweet summarizes all that is weird and amazing about Monsieur Gale:

I often tweet just to purge my body of stupid things I am thinking.

So this post is half gallery and half repository of the wonderful and often odd tweets that Elan shares with the whole of Bachelor Nation and anyone smart enough to follow him on Twitter.( @theyearofelan).

Quick Intro on the Man himself? Well, here is what I know:

I (and most people reading my blog I guess) know him first as one of the very talented Producers on the Bachelor franchise (which includes of course The Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad).

With Peter Scalettar and new bachelor Ben Flajnik
With Ames and Emily

He was born in LA and is younger than his wisdom would lead you to believe (D.O.B 27-Oct-1983)

He, at times, has an uncanny resemblance to another famous Jewish man:

There is however a lot more to him that that:

  • Just this last year (2011), he produced & directed the fabulous (trust me I watched it!) Looking for Lenny, an ‘in-depth, controversial documentary that uses Lenny Bruce’s legacy to explore the present condition of the fear of words and expression’ (IMDB). Great piece on freedom of speech!
  • Before working on The Bachelor, Elan also worked on series such as The Cougar, High School Reunion, Coolio’s Rules and Cookin’ with Coolio. He also looked more like this:

  • He wrote and directed a short film titled Tomorrow’s Yesterday in 2006, which has been a hit in many festivals. He also acted in Reckless Indifference in 2000.
  • AND (yes, a never-ending array of talents), a writer of short-stories. Check this one out.
  • His dad, Doctor Robert Peter Gale, is a specialist of leukemia, among other things, who is not only a medical superstar, but also and more importantly widely recognized for his humanitarian activities, after Chernobyl & Fukushima for example. Vanity Fair did a great article on him.
  • As most of the pictures below will show he has one of the best beards around and owns more pairs of sunglasses than anyone I know!

So here is what I consider his best tweets of December 2011 (I may go back further on a day with no work, kids or TV…). Included are some pics (The photos do not always match the dates – if you noticed you are even more ‘fanatelan’ than me!).

Dec 31st

  • If I’m ever talking to someone and they tell me to look for more absurdity in the realm of the mundane, I know it’s going to be a good day.
  • An uncontrollable flame. I use this phrase to describe both my passion and how I lost my eyelashes.
  • It is a biological problem. My excuse for everything.
  • Animals always say good night even if you don’t hear them.

Dec 30th

  • Sheer terror is when you walk in on a man in a flannel jumpsuit trying to mount a deer head over a urinal.
  • My water broke. A sad dam.
  • Hummingbirds totally know how we feel about them and it makes them feel very special.
  • Never drive faster than the person in front of you for too long.
  • You never know who is listening, so in mixed company, always end your proclamations with ‘according to the Encyclopedia Britannica’.
  • The wooden termite replica does not know what to do with itself.
  • If you insist on firing a gun into the air to celebrate New Year’s, please make sure there is a bad guy immediately above you.

Dec 29th

  • All misery comes from desire. All hope comes from desire. All happiness comes from desire. We are screwed.
  • I hope your dreams are not at all like my dreams because in my dreams you are trying to destroy me.
  • Middle names are only important when you are in love or angry or filling out an immigration form.

Dec 28th

  • Busy inventing a paintbrush that has a heartbeat.
  • What wheat grass gives your body it takes from your soul.

Dec 27th

  • Twitter should come with a breathalyzer.
  • if i could make these letters even more lowercase, i would.
  • I’m going to start signing my letters: ‘With no intended malice…’

Dec 26th

  • You should see my abs. I also would like to be able to at some point.
  • There is a small ghost in my house. He is tired, but I am out of coffee. We are at a standstill.
  • When my phone battery is low I try not to have any pithy thoughts.
  • Red Red Whine – the anthem of the lonely Communist.
  • This is the best time to walk. The last lights:

Dec 25th

    Christmas Wishes from Elan:
     

  • Anybody that says that being a mother isn’t a full time job didn’t raise me.
  • I hope everyone got everything they wanted for Christmas, except for that one guy who wished for a worldwide malicious bug invasion.
  • Whenever Santa looks down and sees a Jewish household, he breathes a sigh of relief.
  • ‘Every tree is a Christmas tree as long as you’re under it.’ #xmaspickuplines

Dec 24th

  • Getting ready to visit you:
  • Merry Christmas. Look deeply into the eyes of those around you.
  • Inventory: I only have one band-aid left. It’s one of the large ones. My next injury had better be epic.
  • And Grandma, what a long, bushy beard you have… ‘The better to make it difficult to eat soup with, my dear.’

Dec 23rd

  • Man, people in Canada really love things.
  • ‘Do you mind if I smoke?’ – A very polite fire.
  • I wear more jewelry than any man should wear.
  • ‘Not on my watch.’ -Me, answering an engraver

Dec 22nd

  • Objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they – – – (insert violent explosions sound here)
  • Fun with Wikipedia.
  • Didn’t buy anyone Christmas gifts this year, but I’ll give everyone New Year’s gifts once I sort through and re-wrap what everyone gives me.
  • When I die, I hope everyone’s initial response is to write the funniest joke about it.
  • The scariest moment of every day is that moment when you’ve put soap on your face. That’s the only time you’re not prepared for a killer.

Dec 21st

  • Forgot to drink coffee this morning. My condolences to the families of all the people I have come across so far.
  • If you call me and do not leave a message, I’m going to assume you don’t really want to hear anything I have to say.
  • ‘Why do I always have to be the escape goat?’ – A goat, waiting in the car, at the scene of a goat robbery.

Dec 20th

  • Whenever I feel down, I just look at a drawing of the human circulatory system, and I remember that it’s a miracle that any of us are alive.
  • My cheeks are constantly getting in the way of me smiling.
  • I would be afraid to hang out with Daniel Craig because it seems like everything is always exploding when he’s around.
  • Commercial Break Thought: If someone offers to help brand you, just remember that that’s how we talk about cows.

Dec 19th

  • Twitter: bringing people together, since about 46 minutes ago.(with Analeigh Tipton)
  • The office is quiet today. Time to mambo.
  • I know it is very unlikely that my ceiling fan will become unhinged and decapitate me, but I still think about it a lot.

Dec 18th

  • The less we all think about the brain-eating amoeba, the better. Unless that’s just what the amoebas want…
  • Nothing says ‘I had three spare minutes’ like a Channukah E-card.
  • Passive-Aggressive Tip #146 – When you want someone to change the channel, ask ‘Do you know where the remote is?’
  • With Michelle Money and Nathalie Getz

Dec 17th

  • Wearing tape seems like a really good idea once.
  • Once somebody references ‘the chicken or the egg’ the conversation has ended.
  • I am writing this from beyond the grave. (No, seriously. That would be so odd.)
  • Contact lenses may be an invisible cure, but they still make me feel weak… Eye crutches.
  • Great dinner activity: Laugh really loud to drown out the annoying woman next to you who laughs like an exotic goat.

Dec 16th

  • Some of the most offensive writings in the world are in SkyMall and on boxes of loose-leaf tea.
  • Arugula is the Harvard of leafy greens.
  • Bad magic trick: Ask a volunteer for a dollar bill. Tear it into 8 equally sized parts. Shrug. Walk away.

Dec 15th

  • I’ve decided to run for office. Please disregard everything I have ever said and done up to this point.
  • Just received a voicemail from an incredibly polite nine-year-old. The message ended with ‘Thanks, dude.’
  • Can men and women really just be (words with) friends?
  • Small, fragile, balding, porcine men find me incredibly intimidating.
  • Today is ‘National New Media Acronym Day.’ Please RT.
  • Just bought a cheap pair of headphones. If you need me, I’ll be spending the next 9 days trying to get them out of the package.
  • Piano with Ames

Dec 14th

  • I’ve never been asked out by a woman with an Adam’s apple before.
  • There is nothing that can’t be made worse with a ‘Black Eyed Peas’ song.
  • My two favorite hobbies are walking and reading. When I combine them, they form my third favorite hobby: Danger!
  • Time Magazine announces it’s ‘Sales Strategy of the Year.’ Congratulations: ‘Pandering to and Insulting the American Public.’
  • I am having a good beard day.
  • I saw a movie today that was so bad I walked out of my own house.

Dec 13th

  • Elephants are really expensive.
  • I bet Amish people are really good at putting together IKEA furniture.
  • Okay, iPhone. You know I didn’t mean Paralipomena. You’re now using autocorrect just to make fun of me.
  • A really great passive-aggressive move is to throw someone an amazing Going-Away Party when they have no intention of leaving.

Dec 12th

  • I’m just going to go ahead and email you those pants.
  • Everyone is looking at me and judging me because I am part of the floor.
  • Empty hotel bar. Christmas music. Somewhere, a vacuum is resting. #SFpoetry
  • Let’s all agree to have less conversations in public restrooms

Dec 11th

  • When I open my Beauty Salon, ‘Super Hott’, all our services will have an accompanying Superhero.
  • ‘Aromatherapy Boy!’ prototype sketch:
  • ‘Massage Man!’ prototype sketch:
  • I know this is really out of character but I think today will be glorious.
  • It is a cruel joke that every day must begin with a morning.
  • I feel like ‘y’ being ‘sometimes’ a vowel is an oversimplification. Don’t talk down to me, alphabet.
  • This martini is going to taste really great through the wisps of this polyester Santa beard.
  • This seems like the perfect time to discuss the difference between cold water and room temperature water.
  • RT stands for ‘regurgitated thought’, right?
  • If you are not good at taking compliments, please let me know in advance so I can save some time and just hurl insults at you.

Dec 10th

  • I AM VERY SUBTLE!!!
  • Please form a single file line, in alphabetical order, by height.
  • It’s not that I don’t like bangs. I just love foreheads.
  • If I walk into your hotel bathroom and the soap is not unwrapped, please know that I am judging you for life.

Dec 9th

  • An elephant never forgets how to ride a bicycle.
  • When two chairs fall in love, a sofa is born.
  • The cab drivers just look at me and shake their heads. ‘He looks shifty’, their eyes say. ‘He looks shifty.’

Dec 8th

  • I thought leaving LA would slow down my irrational thought processes. I was wrong.
  • Whenever someone asks me if I have a problem, I yell out ‘9!’ and hope they understand German.
  • Russian politics are intense. Medvedev is taking no prisoners. Although, he is probably ALSO taking prisoners.
  • Baby goats make excellent friends.
  • I find it unfortunate when bad things are happening in the news, but all the links say ‘Yahoo!’
  • Southwest Airlines: We put the ‘unloving’ in ‘fun-loving.’
  • With the gorgeously special Ames Brown

Dec 7th

  • Note to myself: Stop storing your wigs on the headrests in your car. It’s scary at night.
  • When I die, I want to go to Asia.
  • Trying to figure out the stock market. I’ll let you know how it goes.
  • H4ppy 6irthd4y @GrahamBunn
  • I am not sorry for the confusion.
  • Where can I get these glasses? Where my optometrists at?
  • Picking out a bottle of Pinot. Shampoo in hand. The fluorescent lights and soft R.E.M. music. I sway. #CVSpoetry
  • Dinner party etiquette: When you’ve had enough, start crying hysterically, drop your silverware to the floor and run out with your head down
  • Everyone who knows me: please text, tweet or email me now. I need to look very busy before my head explodes.
  • Imitation is the sincerest form of being annoying.

Dec 6th

  • I’ve got kiwi juice all over my paws.
  • Do not ever, under any circumstances, watch ‘Tommy‘ before going to bed.
  • Ran into a coyote out jogging tonight. We briefly made eye contact. It was both romantic and dangerous.
  • Dear people with bad breath: We have noticed. Love, the rest of us.

Dec 5th

  • How to write a gossip column: IS SOMEONE IN YOUR HOUSE GOING TO KILL AND EAT YOUR FAMILY?? And then the rest just says ‘Probably not.’
  • Show me a person who enjoys the sound of chewing and I will show you a liar.
  • I do occasionally wonder what my chin looks like.
  • If they ask me why I’m late, I’m going to tell them that I am having a problem with my core temperature. #problemsolved
  • Eating JP

Dec 4th

  • All the necklaces I wear under my shirt make me look like I have a lot of nipples.
  • Here’s a question: The people in your dreams that you don’t know. Who the hell are those people?
  • The best thing about seeing old friends, five years later, is noticing that the important things haven’t changed much.
  • The greatest album cover of all time:

Dec 3rd

  • Twitter is an orphanage for thoughts.
  • I love foreign films. We should make more of them here in America.
  • The best part of Friday nights is that I can dance in my office and do air drum solos in the elevator and no one is the wiser.
  • I am in an open relationship with my job.

Dec 2nd

  • A very disappointing magic trick is to stuff a bunch of bird feathers in your mouth and then spit them out and announce that it didn’t work.
  • Trying really hard to like Bon Iver. Having a hard time. Any suggestions? (I don’t do drugs, so that’s out.)
  • One of my favorite things about watching TV is noticing how many different shapes people’s heads can be.
  • Ok, everyone. We are all going to talk about books and eat cactus pears. Let us begin…
  • I’ve got a hatful of love and a car full of ideas. Let’s hit the desert and come back with a plan.

Dec 1st

  • I have pre-traumatic stress disorder.

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